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At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.