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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.