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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?