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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.