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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.