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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.