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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Don`t waste my timeline.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.