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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.