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I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep