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Vodka is just amazing water.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers