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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.