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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.