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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I hate when Iām walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.