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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari