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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?