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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.