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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...