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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.