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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Iām starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria