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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
is available for rebound sex.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?