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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.