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What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.