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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…