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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.