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I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.