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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.