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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.