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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.