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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.