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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.