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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!