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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.