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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.