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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress