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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.