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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.