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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
My misery likes tequila, not company.