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This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.