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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
sleep is for people without netflix
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?