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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.