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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.