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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?