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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.