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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.