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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?