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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?