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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.