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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I’m sad when my food is over.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...