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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.