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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times