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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.