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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!