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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.