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So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol