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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"