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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.