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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.