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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)