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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...