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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling