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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."