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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.