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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.