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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.