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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I need more people like me in my life
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.