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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!