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I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!