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If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.