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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally