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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Running behind is my cardio.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.