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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.