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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.