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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.