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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.