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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face