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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Attention fuels immaturity
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.