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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
pudding... thats always a funny word
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.