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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.