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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I just threw up my weekend.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!