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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Save water, shower together.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch