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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.