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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.