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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
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When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".