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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.