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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.