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real eyes realize real lies
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…