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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Siri, where are my pants?
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."