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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!