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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.