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You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.