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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
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Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.