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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.