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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.