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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???