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Iām beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.