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I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.