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Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.