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If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
My memory foam has amnesia
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.