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I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on