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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
The secret to success is in my bra.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel