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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.