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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.