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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.