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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.