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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.