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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.