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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.