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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.