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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.