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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!