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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?