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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like Iām choking it to death.
I don`t care about your status...
Gravity is a real downer.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?