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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.